fuck that shit

Reed is texting lacie apparently. She sent him a message last night during the super bowl " want to come over after angela leaves?:" What a fucking stalker! He's all "yeah she's really drunk though, I have to put her to bed she's BEING MEAN" (ok i capitalized that on my own) What an ass. He never did this shit to me before. He doesn't love me and I don't love him. My possessive side is just showing immaturity. If he wants to date some 20 year old chick that sucks and is desperate and scandalous, then have at it! I am not going to text, call, or do anything that involves showing me interest.
I don't deserve being blown off like this and just being around when it is convenient. Not even David Cherry talked to me at the bar on saturday. What the fuck. I don't care if I'm being immature. I needed to rant. Things are never gonna change if fI let them go as they've been going.

Seriously
FUCK THAT SHIT

am i falling out of love?

No one knows me like Reed. But, that's boring, right? I had the flu all this week and Reed came over to see me on Wednesday night. He reeked of alcohol and ciggarettes but I didn't care, I just wanted to be held. Everyone else had been avoiding me like the plague. We watched bad TV and i curled up my back against his chest and his left arm held me in a ball. His phone beeped several times as I shamelessly asked "who's that? who's that?" I don't really want to know. It doesn't matter. He was there hanging out with me.

I would ask him stupid questions inbetween challenges on the "Gauntlet." Small talk was fine with me for the night.

hey there, delilah

Today we drove to oklahoma city to perform a 1:48 dance to hey there delilah. I rode with two girls I don't even know THAT well. We left fayetteville at around 12:30 with bad attitudes about wasting our saturdays. However, about an hour into the trip I know it would be worth it. 

I got to spend about 6 hours in the car with these girls who I only spend ab an two hours a week with, most of it which is spent dancing. We got there and greeted an excited amy. Her enthusiasm about the whole thing made me smile. The competition was talent on parade. While we only watched maybe 10 dances, i hate to see i didn't see much talent. Let alone talent on parade. We had fun though! We did our thing and I forgot how much I love the rush of performing on a brightly lit stage. Of course we had a few flubs, but we ended up doing really well. Definitely better than expected. It makes me excited for competition "season" as they call it. 

Oh, hi

It seems like more than a coincidence than anything, but it seems like everything comes to a head at the same time. I pretty much need to figure out what I want to do and where I want to go within the next year.  I am single, with no direction, and it seems like even less shame. I  was literally drunk almost every night the last two weeks. My body is drained. 

I have been eating notso healthy, I have no money, and only 9 scheduled hours. jeeeeeze. Hopefully I will be back on track though with the beginning of school. I have dance 3 times this week and a competition on saturday in Oklahoma City, which is exciting! 

I also really want to improve my work ethic at work. I have been working there for so long, I tend to slack on the things that used to seem important, but don't so much anymore. However, how does one improve without constantly stepping up their game? They don't. 

Reed: I still miss him, and im pretty much bipolar in my moods about the whole situation. More on that later.

Listen, Process, Think

I am so stressed right now. I am so glad to have my friends but sometimes it's hard for me to express how I feel about certain situations. It seems like my mind has trouble focusing on stuff. Like I can't concentrate on said subject long or hard enough to come up with a definitive opinion about it. Therefore, I can't express how i feel about it. Does that make sense?

Ill probably go back and read this later and it will make no sense. 

Other resolutions:

read up on all front runner presidential candidates.

open a savings account and actually put money in it!

Ok I reread this, what am i 13 and can't figure out WhO i Am***?!?  ughhhhhhhhh

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

What I did last night:
Went to a strip club and had sex with my ex-boyfriend. It was a classy night.

Reed

My mom says this is time for "Angela to figure out what she wants, too." I know no one who knows me probably believes this, BUT:

It is so hard for me to think about myself and what I want, when I am so in love with this person. I want to satisfy his needs and make him a happy person. I want him to be someone who is glad to have me as their girlfriend. I honestly cannot be happy with myself knowing I hurt him or made him unhappy. 

Sure, I still like to laugh, go out with friends, do the things in my life that make me happy, etc. 

But, I am willing to concentrate an immeasureable amount of energy on making the relationship with the man I love work. 

And, I don't care if people think I'm making the wrong decision. 

One of my favorite pictures of us: